I rarely have a “bad day” or at least I’m usually able to put a positive spin on days that might not really be that close to good, but today rubbed me all kinds of the wrong way and was, for laziness of a better word, a bad day. I feel anxious and a bit stressed and scatterbrained and a little more frustrated with myself than is my typical state of being. I feel a tension and inner struggle boiling over that yoga and walking in the sun isn’t enough to subdue, though it normally is.
What’s really been eating at me for months is the fact that I have this uncanny lack of focus and direction in life and yet have a desire to dream up plans and mark maps with the routes to take. I’ll paint it like this: there’s me, this little, excited girl, lost in a forest, and instead of taking the man-made path that must lead to somewhere, I choose to run around in circles. This is a terrible analogy, but I’m tired writing and these things happen. The point I’m trying to make is that I’m overwhelmed with the possibilities of what I could do in my not-so-distant future and yet I somehow feel trapped because I don’t know what lead to follow, what path to take, which way to go. And this is only partially true, because given the state of the economy/job market/everyone’s favorite topic, I really don’t know if any of my possible routes will get me anywhere at all.
The processes my brain goes through just to consider where I might want to spend the next two, three, x years of my life is exhausting. And so then there’s me again, only this time I’m not in the woods, I’m just in a room with my stare blank ahead and my mind imagining my head hitting against the wall, again and again.